The Sad One

Happy, sad, disappointed, unbelievable, scary and excited. Every feeling that I felt through out the day. Something really unexpected and also, something really...unexplained. 

I cried. Not because of happiness. But more to sad. I'm moody, not because I don't get any present, but I received a surprise that hurt me pretty bad. I smile but inside, I felt terribly hurt.

It is really really something that I will never forget. NEVER.

Waking up on 7th May morning and forgot your own birthday is not normal they said. But realizing have bunches of undone tutorials are something I should be panic about. Thanks to friends who wishing me my birthday on facebook, only then I realized its my birthday hahaha.

Some asked, "Weh, didn't go celebrate ahh?" Well, honestly that would be a rare things for me. I never celebrate my birthday. Not a family tradition also. And even when at school, my birthday always fall on a week where everybody are so busy with their stuff, for example, before or during exam, upcoming event is approaching, sports day and this time, end of semester weeks where people want to stay alive and survive final by not afailing any subjects, so they don't get time to spend for me. But, I understand. If I were them, I will also not gonna care about it. Hahaha. A simple wish is enough actually, right? I appreciate those wishes friends. Really really appreciate it. So much. Damn much.

But, yeah honestly, its okay if nobody want to celebrate. I'm find with it, I'm okay. Seriously.

What happen to me that hurt me pretty bad was, this... well it happen not on my birthday. Its the day after, but considering it related to my birthday because it started from the wishes itself. A late wish. And bring along a pretty happy-sad news. From the one who I always hold on to. From the one who I thought I already move on from. From the one who I share most of my story with. From the one, who I hope one day, would be mine, but I know it will never happen, because for him, I am just a friend. 

It has been 6 years, and only today when you already promise another girl to live together forever, you confess that you are in love with me when we were in school? And you said the reason why we still in contact even though we never meet each other in this 6 years is because we still have a feeling for each other? And then you said SORRY because you already have her, you already met her parents,  she had done so many things for you, you want to marry her, you... you bullshit! You said now you still have the feeling on me but not as before? I don't know. Is it my fault? Is it my fault that makes you assume that, you and I are already move on from each other? Oh my God!!!

How could you this to me??? I've been holding on you for 6 years without any other intention other than want to keep our friendship last, but when you said that...it hurt me deeply. Like damn deep. I denied my feeling on you because I'm afraid that, it will destroy our good relation. But, now I guess, I should move on then. 

I don't know what should I response, what should I feel, but my ego heart still said. "It is okay." "Not your fault. No need to say sorry." BUT DEEP INSIDE MY HEART, I STARTED CRYING!

This 6 years is a waste! Why did I hold on to you even though I knew that you have her? Why I still have the feeling that we still going to end up together even though I know how much you love her? Why me? Why me? I never hold on to anyone this long. I even lost my best friend in 3 years. I took 2 years to move on from my ex, and how do you expect me to move on from you from this 6 years memory? Tell me how.